I need to shorten my essay, can anyone help me?
Image by evemosher
This play area has a few trees and a lot of dirt, a single raised box of flowers. More flower boxes or raised flower beds would add a touch of beauty and would attract wildlife (like butterflies, bees and birds).
Question by Alex D: I need to shorten my essay, can anyone help me?
Heres my essay, it’s NOT done, I’m a basketball player and this is a story about one of my games… Can you tell me if I’m skipping to far into the story ever in the essay? it’s at 459 words, and the max is 500, I just made it shorter.
——–
At first it seemed like a normal day, nothing was different about it. Nothing was different then the previous games. As I warm up with sprints and set shots, I found myself feeling an overload of electricity sparking from my head to my feet. All I was thinking about was winning. The battering warm up buzzer sounds and it echoed through my ears that game-time was here. My team and I sprinted jubilantly to the huddle with the coach. Coach told us with a voice of pure inspiration that a win was guaranteed if we play defense and move the ball around. You could just tell from the looks in our eyes, like a rattlesnake ready to pounce, that our energy was ecstatic. I never truly thought about it but, one play, one mistake, can change the status of the game. With some arguing we finally come up a clear conclusion on who will match up with whom. The scoreboard was set, and the court was cleared, the first quarter inching closer and closer to starting as every second passes in my mind. We loose the furiously fought jump ball, and the clock with what seems like it took forever, finally starts counting down. Our defense was split into halves like a melted chocolate bar and before anything could be done they score with an easy layup. My body moved like it was on springs, surprisingly faster then the previous games. Cutting through at speeds in which they stumbled to try and keep up with my blazing speed, luckily for them my time to score wasn’t until later in the game. They passed around the ball, finally a shot is put up and it bonks the rim sounding like a flock of crows. I jump up with my hands and snatch the ball down over every person around me. As we’re jogging down court I quickly pop my head up and my eyes stuck to the scoreboard like bees on honey. In gigantic orange numbers it was tied at 25. There was 9 seconds left to get off a prayer, my team-mate passed me a scorching chest pass. I dribbled down at my fastest speed; they tried to steal, but failed as I left them in the dust. I looked up to see there was 3 seconds left, I step into a deep 35 foot shot, it was like diving into a swimming pool, only this swimming pool is the basket. As the last second is ripped apart from the clock like a magnet, my arms raise and my eyes were set on the target, the ball is released and my wrist flicks down. The shot flies over the court and goes through with fire covered all over it.
Thanks, I really needed to know it was descriptive to. Starting from the fourth quarter sounds better, but all the work I’ve done already would go to a waste, is there a way to make the story good, but skip along to the fourth?
What do you think? Answer below!
2 Responses to I need to shorten my essay, can anyone help me?
Leave a Reply
Very descriptive language. If you’re forced to cut it down, you could just start with the last play of the game and build on that. Too bad it has to be short, it sounds like this could be very good.
paulcrsm
October 16, 2012 at 8:30 am
Just some suggestions. Good job though. Most of the problem was the changing of tense from past tense to present.
At first it seemed like a normal day. Nothing was different from the previous games. As I warmed up with sprints and set shots, I found myself feeling an overload of electricity sparking from my head to my feet. All I was thinking about was winning. The battering warm up buzzer sounded and it echoed through my ears that game-time was here. My team and I sprinted jubilantly to the huddle with the coach. Coach told us with a voice of pure inspiration that a win was guaranteed if we played defense and moved the ball around. You could just tell from the look in our eyes, like a rattlesnake ready to pounce, that our energy was ecstatic. I never truly thought about it, but one play, one mistake, can change the status of the game. With some arguing we finally come to a clear conclusion on who would match up with whom. The scoreboard was set, and the court was cleared, the first quarter inching closer and closer to starting as every second passed in my mind. We loose the furiously fought jump ball, and the clock, seemingly taking forever, finally started counting down. Our defense was split into halves like a melted chocolate bar and before anything could be done they scored with an easy layup. My body moved like it was on springs, surprisingly faster then the previous games. Fortunately for them, my time to score wasn’t until later in the game. They passed around the ball, finally put up a shot and it bonks the rim, sounding like a flock of crows. I jumped up with my hands and snatched the ball down over every person around me. As we’re jogging down court I quickly popped my head up and my eyes stuck to the scoreboard like bees on honey. Displayed in gigantic orange numbers, the score was tied at 25. There were 9 seconds left to get off a prayer,and my team-mate passed me a scorching chest pass. I dribbled down at my fastest speed; they tried to steal, but failed as I left them in the dust. I looked up to see there were 3 seconds left. I stepped into a deep 35 foot shot, like I was diving into a swimming pool, only this swimming pool is the basket. As the last second is ripped apart from the clock like a magnet, my arms raised and my eyes set on the target, the ball is released and my wrist flicks down. The shot flies over the court and goes through with fire covering it.
clovicat
October 16, 2012 at 9:06 am