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4 Responses to How do I let go the real relationship I desire for me and my step-daughter?

1. maybe have her dad talk to her and ask her to try and have a relationship with you for him. She might try if she realizes how important it is to her dad and how happy it would make him.

   

   Wuviewoo
   November 22, 2012 at 10:56 am
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2. She is an adult who has a strong relationship with someone you love. Treat that relationship with respect. Try to understand what each loves about the other. Build your own relationship with her, based on your mutual love of her father and on respect for each other.

   

   mgnavadomskis
   November 22, 2012 at 11:36 am
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3. You might never be extremely close, and you might have to accept that. Just try your best to appreciate what she brings to your family’s life and include her in things without trying to force it. Good luck!

   

   Ahimsa
   November 22, 2012 at 11:55 am
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4. You probably need to let go of that dream. It’s very common for stepchildren to harbor resentments towards their father and his wife, largely because she got the life that the kids were supposed to have. If she is disrespecting you, than it’s your husband’s job to change that. If he doesn’t, it will only continue. Your job will be to disengage from her or to be supportive of your husband if he chooses to stop the disrespect. Funny that these men think they are doing anyone any favors by tolerating disrespectful behavior. They only create situations that get worse over time. Their resentment grows, their bad behavior gets worse as it is tolerated (and since it’s tolerated, it’s validated in the skids minds) and the manipulation continues. Here’s a disengaging essay. Maybe it will help.

   Please keep in mind that “disengaging” is NOT for everyone. Many of you have DHs who are TRULY supportive – which is not the same as DHs who only THINK they’re supportive.

   I’ve found that for my friends with whom I’ve shared this, understanding some background is sometimes critical for real “disengaging” to begin. A lot of this is opinion, intuition, & a lot is also experience. Please keep in mind that the people in my “model” are not psychotic. They are relatively normal people with good intentions, husbands & wives who love each other & want to stay married, in SPITE of their step kids!

   I believe that men & women convey different facets of life to their children. Women tend to be concerned with socialization: manners, morals, respect, appreciation, cleanliness, thoughtfulness, etc, as well as physical & emotional health. Men tend to be concerned with results: touchdowns, batting averages, spelling bees, “accomplishments” in general. In normal (not critically dysfunctional) nuclear families, this arrangement works pretty well. The children develop bonds with their parents which permit the parents to maintain the “moral authority” to deal with their kids. Most of these men think they’ve been great parents, & have terrific kids who could be loved by anyone. Then they get divorced & eventually marry us second-wives, expecting everything to function in the same way that it did in the first marriage. The problem is, they have no idea beyond their own personal, limited “parenting” what is involved in raising kids. One stepmom on one of the boards made the remark “I just don’t understand how his 4 year old son can be sitting directly between him & the TV, & he doesn’t see the kid playing with a lighter!” I believe he doesn’t see because he’s never had to. There has always been a woman in his life who takes care of “that stuff.”

   When we as stepmoms come into the lives of these people, many of us already mothers to our own biokids, we assume that we can expand our mothering role to include our new SKs, intending to keep on doing what we’ve been doing. Even
   those who have never had children of their own have those “mothering genes.” Our problem is that we don’t have the bonding with these kids that is required to give us the “moral authority” to parent our SKs.

   The only way we can get that “authority” is through DH, & he must give it to us by expecting & demanding that his kids respond to us with obedience & respect, or at least respectful behavior. THAT is what is meant by a supportive DH. Most of them THINK they are supportive, & many of US think they are supportive. But
   unless they are willing to discipline their children every single time they speak disrespectfully to us, or ignore us, or disobey us, they are giving their children permission to continue & sometimes escalate, this behavior. And because our DHs have NEVER had to be mothers, they don’t know what we’re talking about when we try to get their help. They are still being the same parents they were when they were married to their exes, things worked out ok there, so they assume that the problem is US!

   The more we “nag” & point out what’s wrong with their kids, the more convinced they become that at the least, we have no parenting skills, & at the worst, we are child abusers. The more we are determined that these kids ARE GOING TO MIND US, the more parenting we do. And the more parenting we do, the less our DHs have to do. Which is exactly the way they want it. They would rather we didn’t scream so much, but we’re getting the job done (the kids brush their teeth when we are red in the face, they go to bed when we are spewing spittle). Dad can just keep on being a father, which means he doesn’t fool with this stuff. But he’s still thinking we’re crazy, & can’t understand why we’re so mean to his kids. In addition, our “criticism” of his kids is seen as a criticism of him.

   DH is not a mother, has never been a mother, & doesn’t know what it means or requires to be a mother. DH is content being the same parent he has always been, & thinks his kids are fine the way they are. He’s just as confused as we are about why we’re having so many pro

   

   txcla
   November 22, 2012 at 12:28 pm
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